planning for life as a wealthy eccentric

by Steven Garrity

When I become a filthy rich eccentric – which will probably not be until late 2003 at the earliest – I will lavish myself with a few key niceties. I will wear a new pair of socks everyday forever.

I’ve thought about putting some kind of charitable spin on it, like giving my ‘worn-once’ socks to charity, like Michael Jordan does with his shoes – but I don’t think that the same good karma would come if it were socks instead. Perhaps I’ll just give cash (I will be rich at this point anyhow).

As this dream of mine (not to become wealthy, but to wear a new pair of socks everyday if I ever do) is well known to my family and friends, I do well at Christmas. This year, I would estimate I received approximately 20 pairs of socks. January is going to be a good month.

What will your wealthy eccentric traits be?

UPDATE: Checkout what I think is one of the funniest replies yet on aov – if this was indeed written solely for post here on aov, then I’m very impressed. If not, it’s still funny.

 

39 thoughts on “planning for life as a wealthy eccentric”

  2. I’ve always wanted to throw a homeless man a set of car keys and just walk away. As of right now the keys probably wouldn’t open anything, therefore it would just be a cruel trick. But if I was a wealthy eccentric, then who knows, maybe dreams can come true.

  3. I’d buy baseball (all the teams at least) and make them wear dresses. Maybe I would astroturf my lawn, and never have to mow again. I would probably buy the local ski slope, and only open it for me and my friends. I might drive around one of those Volkswagen Beetles that have the giant lobsters on top. I would definitely have my own grocery store, so I could always have the crack-like liquid cheddar microwave popcorn that I can only ever find at Safeway in Oregon. I would have my town change it’s name. I’m not sure what would be the new name yet, but it would something pretty funny.

    I’ve always wanted a hovercraft. It would at least make my morning commute more exciting. Maybe one of the military ones with guns and such would be best for me. I’d have my own video game, where instead of Sonic the hedgehog, it would be me running around crazy. I’d hire some scientists and have them figure out how to cook 30 minute brownies in 15 minutes (maybe even faster). I’d finally get to meet Elvis. I’d have a large ant farm (really large), and I’d train and sell attack ants. The ant training may require additional staff scientists (I’d have lots anyway).

    I might take some music lessons, write and perform an opera, and pay people to come and see it and clap with enthusiasm. I know that I would try and buy a list of the people that own companies that do tele-marketing. I would call them often to chat about better uses for various types of lint. I would invent a process where single slice cheese wrappers could be used to better society. I would buy a doughnut shop franchise (mmmm…. KrispyKreme) and open it next door to the local police station. I would sell envelopes that are already sealed and market them as a time saving device. I would finally get a George Foreman grill. I’d have people only address me by my new name ‘¤’.

    I would spend money lobbying Washington for my pet causes. I would lobby for insect rights, separating Presidents Day back into it’s constituent parts, and for a new federal regulation restricting some of those weird jelly bean flavors I tried at the mall last week (do we need burnt marshmallow?). I’d have the guys from the garbage service come by everyday, instead of only once a month (my neighbor would give this to me if he was rich too I bet). I would buy priceless works of art, and have small children paint over them. When you flew over the midwest, you would see my name written in the cornfields in giant letters. I would make HUGE donations to charity, but only if the Pope agreed to where a hat that I get to pick. Last, but not least, I would live in my own BioSphere, and film it all.

    I read somewhere that the only difference between crazy and eccentric was money. All I lack is money.

  5. Al, I took the liberty of linkifying your links. I’m impressed with all of your eccentric dreams – and scorced, that is one of the funnier things I’ve read in a while.

    Anyone else?

  6. I actually used to want to live in a cave…a nice cave with electricity, and running water, and a normal front door, and furniture. I also wanted to have a goat and two chickens for milk and eggs. But I’ve had to let this dream go… partly because there aren’t that many caves within driving distace of cities, and I’d like to live near a city.

  7. Glass teeth.

    Totally transparent, of course, but maybe with embedded lcd technology so you can adjust the level of opaqueness or spell things with your teeth.

    They’ll be a cinch to clean since you can see every bit of food whether it’s between or behind. I also think it would initiate more honesty in conversations. No more surreptitious tongue wagging behind false smiles.

    I should be able to pick up replacements or new styles at a local glass blowing outfit like http://www.simonpearce.com, unless I opt for pyrex teeth.

    Maybe I’ll donate my old teeth to my dog, who has lost some of his over the years while foolishly fetching rocks.

  10. Being insanely wealthy would have it’s perks. I’d have to build my ideal house, way back in the hills near my own ski resort. Not really a ski resort as much as very nice Heli-Ski setup. Big huge powderfields just minutes away courtesy of Bell. I’d bring all my buddies over and take them out for a day of nothing but sweet deep powder.

    Then we could all head over to the go-kart track, and drive for hours and hours till we can’t move any more. These aren’t ordinary go-karts, but full on racing carts. And all the bumping in the world won’t get me kicked off.

    In my spare time (which would be always) I’d get to go and do all the things I’ve wanted too. Take pictures in the most remote and beautiful locations on earth. Head off on a whim in an old cadilac accross the country. Pick up some hitchhikers, and have them drop me off. I’ll leave them the car.

    Two words: Personal Junkyard. Nothing but cars I like. And a big garage full of tools so I can play (hey I’m a greasy wrenchturner at heart). I would build all sorts of wierd little vehicles. And sponsor demolition derbies at my place, every second Tuesday of the month.

    I’d buy the company I work for, just so I could be the boss. And then make everyone do silly little things like wear plaid pants on Wednesday. Or get fired/de-moted to HR secretary.

    Eventually we would work towards requiring everyone to pass a “common sense” test. You fail, and you can’t breed. Sorry no exceptions.

  12. The videos are what a hundred bucks? You should aim higher. You could probably start filming more episodes of The World’s Greatest TV Show. Rob Morrow ain’t done a thing since Quiz Show. And Chris Stevens is never going to get over all the hassles with America’s strumpet Sarah Jessica Parker. He could use a new gig it breaks my heart to see him selling Chevies (or what have you). Both chicks haven’t done anything since: Shelly went bye bye. Janine Turner topped out with Cliffhanger. And other than Playboy, Marilyn hasn’t been “round” much either. When you think about it the place was a fucking graveyard. You could probably get them cheap. Be easy. And, here’s the eccentric part, you could play Ed. Huh? It’d be fun. Think about it.

    Me, I’d spend the bulk of my days listening to the Eagles’ Hotel California (if you know what I’m saying) and screaming how Jackson Browne ripped me off for the whole “west coast sound”, while in a fortified apartment on the top floor of a casino/resort in Atlantic City.
    In a bathrobe, mid-afternoon. Lots of little people around me like an unholy army of saints; tranks and shoots for everyone.

  13. No question at all. If stroked with wealth, I would disappear from the face of the earth and return as a street person. I would use the vantage point of being on the street to stay in touch with the most needy of society and then ‘from points unknown’ write public letters to embarrass governments into (hopefully) doing what they ought to do for the poor. The problem with legislatures is that poor people are sadly under represented. We should close, not open, food banks. (Soup kitchens are tolerable.).

    I would establish a scholarship endowment in the name of a late brother that would be exceptionally generous but hard to get because of the humanitarian requirements – very much in line with how he lived.

    I’d endow a fund for the defense of anyone who was being charged with a crime that was clearly committed in the active defense of abused children (that wouldn’t cover revenge attacks).

    An endowment fund to assist women who are being abused who often have to steal away in the middle of the night to protect their children; leaving everything behind making them highly susceptible to the pressure to return to a dangerous home.

    And finally, a legal-action fund, endowed with millions, to eliminate all traffic lights that are positioned, not at intersections, not where pedestrians have to cross, but at parking lot entrances to assist companies that are draining our down towns.

  15. I’d make the city designate, on every street, 9 consecutive parking spots for ‘Billionaire Parking’. I’d get more clothes dry-cleaned. One day each week, I’d rent a Tim Horton’s and allow people to drive-thru and make requests for their personal improvement, or offer ideas to better society, and each week, I’d choose the best one and see it through. I’d hire a thousand temporary secretaries, and tell them each to go out and take notation on 10 random 5 minute or longer conversations they overhear in public places, then type them up as scripts. I’d then rent the Confederation Centre, or build my own theater (whichever turns out to be less expensive) and hire local actors to perform them. 20 different conversations a night over 250 (not necessarily consecutive) weekend nights.
    I’d eat more fish.

  16. I’d build a house entirely out of metal. Then I’d have everything I own magnetized. Including the dog.

    I’d dry clean my socks. I’d order flowers and have them sent to non-existant addresses. Everyday. I’d order pizzas and have them sent to other pizza places.

    I’d make up a new names for things and pay the companies that make them loads of money to use my new names. Why should sports arenas be the only things to be renamed for sponsorship? Instead of buttering your toast, you would fleeble it.

    While I’m at it, I’d offer people money to change their legal names. There’s about a half-million words in the Oxford Dictionary. I’d start with “A.”

    I’d pick a bridge and pay the toll for everyone that drives across for a day. Unless they have a yellow car.

    I’d hire a crack team of animal trainers to teach squirrels to smoke cigarettes and put on condoms. That ought to cut down on their population.

    I’d have chairs built that look like the ones in the fanciest resturants. But these chairs would have built-in, hidden whoopie cushions.

    I’d bribe the local Starbucks to serve nothing but Folgers instant coffee for a day, just to see if anyone would notice.

    I’d mail a blank postcard to every address in the United States every day for a month.

    I’d create my own version of reality TV shows. Whoever can spend the longest amount of time with my in-laws wins the money.

    My team of telemarketers would call people and tell them to have a nice day. Except for the X Files fans. For them, the telemarkers would just call and hang up. Twice a day, and always at exactly the same time.

  17. I’d pay for a full-time sniper, position him on my roof – and if any of you losers came near my house, I’d have you shot on sight.

  18. I followed the link from Martin’s post just to ensure that the authorities need not be contacted and I can assure all AOV-ers that he is harmless and in fact ought to find himself at wits end (a the distance to which point in his life is unclear). You see, Martin writes the column for the BBC Online on Scots soccer. I read this column regularly looking for relief about a private obsession, the well being of an increasingly obscure team – the Greenock Morton – team of my father’s hometown. Realizing now that it is, in fact, this very man who must write week after week about the pathetic fortunes of the once mighty Morton (won the Cup in 1922), it is (your honour) natural and a matter deserving of our sympathy that he finds himself in the homocidal state.

    Attached: Martin’s own bio from his own clickity-clicking fingers:

    Editor:: This info was removed at the request of the biographee.

  19. I know, I’m a bit late to the party, but here’s what I’d do with all that money, and it’s what every one of you also wants to do, you just don’t want to admit it:

    I’d use it to pay my friends to do all kinds of crazy things – eating week-old underpants, running through shopping malls naked, sleeping with fugly women, etc, etc. Then, with whatever is left over, we’d be visiting Las Vegas, and a fancy strip-joint or two, oh yes we would…

    but don’t tell my wife I said that.

  22. This vaguely disturbing post brought to mind the story of The Ring of Gyges from Plato’s Republic. The basic idea is, give people a magic ring that makes them invisible and you’ll see their real morals (ie. take away accountability and fear of punishment and see what remains). I suppose to some, being wealthy takes away accountability and fear of punishment.

    I knew those classes would pay off someday.

  23. Steven, I though that was just the famous that suffered from the “untouchable” mental attitude, but I suppose if you own the whole media empire for half the world then it would also apply.

    But on the other side of the dime, would you ever know true love, or real friendship?

  24. Reminds me of that X-files episode where the guy turns invisible, sees two hotties across the street, heads over for a closer look, and bam, smacked by a truck. I’m amazed we don’t find more squished invisible people lying around.

  26. If I was fabulously rich, I would buy an elite team of snipers and bodyguards, and at the first sign of trouble I could click my fingers and the horizon would become black with cool SWAT guys.

    Or an ATAT. I’d go everywhere in it. What a chick magnet.

  28. I’d tear down an ugly apartment building in my neighborhood and put up a few nice bungalows in its place. One would be for me. It would be mostly normal, except for the secret passageway leading from the bedroom closet to the rumpus room.

    I’d fund development of a tiny EMP generator that I could mount on the handlebars of my bike. When a motorist cuts me off–zap, I shut him off.

    I’d also fund a project to download the entire contents of the IMDB into my brain. Never again will I go to a movie and wonder “What did I see him in before…?”

  29. To add to Alan’s reply to my post: I don’t write about Morton FC, I never have – and I haven’t written a column for BBC Sport Online for over 2 years. I don’t recall ever having written about Morton, in fact.

    However, if I had lots of money, I’d buy Albion Rovers football club and appoint Martin O’Neill manager.

    How’s that?

  30. Well responded Martin. Watching the Morton collapse even further as we speak I am sure you right that there is nothing to say about them.

    One question on Morton my father asked me this weekend: if they are relegated at the end of this season, in what league will they play next year?

  31. Just a quicky but along the lines of “new socks daily” I would go in for a big, fresh, warmed towel everyday to step out of the shower into. Nothing better in the morning than a new towel.

    I might then give the towels away after use to homeless arab children.

    mmmmmmmnnnn, definitley.

  32. Ooo, oooo, I’ve got another!
    I’d hire someone to come into my office once an hour and present me with a warm damp cloth, like you get in business class on planes.

  33. A tiny bit of self-indulgence and a large commitment to charity, especially on the issue of untreated mental illness among the homeless.

    To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. – Emerson

  35. I would rent 100 escorts, line them up along Hollywood Blvd, and do jello shots for a couple of blocks.

    Either that or buy a basketball team so they could play hoops with that multi-colored ball.

  36. If I were mega rich, I would build a big high rise apartment complex. On the top floor (20, 30 maybe even 40) would be one big condo for myself… With a pool on the top of the building. I would rent the units below out for average price.

    See, you have a nice condo to live in with all the amenities you need. Than when your done blowing all your money on the one building you live of the rent and become mega rich again. perfect! It’s kinda like asking then genie in the bottle for unlimited money.

  37. I’d replicate Cicely, Alaska (or Rosalyn, WA) no matter where I chose to live. Quit my job as and open a school that I could run as I saw fit (much like the Freedom School in the old Billy Jack episodes). The school would encompass all generations (infants to elderly) of learners. Choose a group of worthy folks in need to house and support.

  39. I’d buy houses in racist neighborhoods, and rent them to minorities at $1.00 a month. I’d pay Streisand millions of dollars to give a concert where she doesn’t mention the republican party. I’d have the Metro Opera House carpeted in blue shag. I’d buy every woman in america the ugly dress Joan Crawford wore in the movie THE BRIDE WORE RED. I’d give the pope tons of cash if he would make Bobby Darin patron saint of cool guys. I’d have Valley Of The Dolls remade starring drag queens.

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