Author: matthew

a few quick (i.e. poorly done) reviews

by matthew

Magnolia:
Long + Involving + Depressing + Very long + Inexplicable events + Extremely well written, and acted = Pretty damn good really

Documentary on Canadian Women’s Waterpolo:
I don’t care what anyone says, CBCTV rocks. It does not however rock quite as hard as the Canadian Women’s Waterpolo team, medal favourites for the Sydney Olympics. I’m not kidding about this. Inexplicably good. Really.

Boxlor (see steve’s post below):
Inexplicable, and yet good.

Repeated use of the Word Inexplicable:
Fun in small doses.

 

if, and when, I become famous

by matthew

If I am ever famous, and I say this not in a hopeful or expectant way, but rather acknowledging that anything, even the most implausible can happen, I will try my utmost not to be Ben Affleck. Which is to say, in a slightly less longwinded and round-about way of saying things, that I hope I am never quoted as follows: “Fame is wasted on me. I already feel like I don’t want to have sex five times a day. It’s depressing.”*

I would hope that no matter how taxing celebrity is on the genius that I am, or at least that I might possibly be, I will muster all the will-power and fortitude that I possess, and continue having sex five times a day. I would do this, not for myself, but for the world at large with the multitude of ordinary and non-famous people which it contains. Understandably, there will be days upon which having sex five times will seem depressing and the whole thing will seem unbearable oppressive, and I’ll no doubt feel like I’ve wasted my life banging the constant stream of starlets, fans, and other nubile young women who are endlessly offering themselves to me. However, I will soldier on selflessly, understanding that the common man (who feels pretty good about himself if he’s managed to have sex five times in a year, and further that during at least one of those times his partner seemed to be enjoying his/herself, or baring that, was at least not visibly annoyed or upset) needs people like me, or like the person I might possibly be.

The common man needs someone to look up to, someone who has an incredible amount of sex, and equally important, someone who enjoys having an incredible amount of sex. Without this kind of role model men everywhere will lose sight of what it means to have dreams; they will despair that there is no happiness to be had in this sad little world. After all, if having sex five times a day cannot shield a man from depression, what hope is there for the masses of men who generally only think about sex five times a day (and when I say “day” in this latter context, I actually mean a somewhat lesser measure of time, a minute, for example)? So it will be thinking of the ordinary man that I may, though in all likelihood will probably not, suffer through my fame, continuing to have sex five times a day whenever possible, masking the depression that is inherent in every tiresome sex act, every monotonous sexual position, and every oppressive orgasm. I won’t do it for myself, I’ll do it for men everywhere.

* Ben Affleck in Australia’s New Weekly magazine on a date I forgot to write down.

 

the inevitable inaugural post

by matthew

The stress and pressure involved in making the first post on acts of volition is, as you can surely imagine, enormous. The very thought of millions upon millions of Internet users’ greedily drinking in every word is nearly paralysing. Nonetheless, it must be done.

I would like to thank Steven and Rob, as well as the legions of nameless others who participated in the creation of this site. I realize the excitement of having ones own website is not one which extends very far beyond the proprietors of the website, but if everyone will just pretend to be as thrilled with the concept as we are that’ll be just fine. No matter the level of outside enthusiasm, I know we’ll have fun.

Cheers.