Beach Offsides

by Steven Garrity

I have invented a new rule for swimming at the beach:

When swimming at the beach, you can never be the furthest from the shore.

Illustration depicting a sandy shore from above, showing a RECKLESS DUDE in the water, an OFFSIDE person out past them, and an ONSIDE person between them and the shore.

Frequently asked questions (probably):

  • Q: What if I’m swimming with a friend?
    A: Worry about yourself!
  • Q: What if there’s no one else swimming?
    A: Then you’d be the furthest from the shore. OFFSIDE!
  • Q: What if the furthest-out person swims in past me?
    A: OFFSIDE!

 

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