Learn to read.

Nearly 100 Ways to Approach Infinity.
Two Stories my Parents Begged me to Tell Our Guests Towards the Beginning of my 25th Birthday Party But Insisted I Had Completely Invented.

These are both stories from McSweeneys whom I will continue pimping until they are popular, at which point I will no longer think they are cool. Also read the following which appears in Salon but is written by writers who have been featured on McSweeneys.