There’s this guy, at this office, and he says the most unbelievable stuff. Then, his co-workers post what he says on Twitter. It’s often not the kind of thing you’d want to read with your mother looking over your shoulder.

• She’s not married and she makes penis cakes? What’s her number?
• I wish my skin had a zipper so I could let it out a bit.
• With my luck it would rain right over a camp of nudists who are exercising.
• Had a restless night dreaming about a space station I had that was being attacked, by Edward James Olmos who was dressed up as Khan.
• Also, Edward James Olmos as Khan was wearing a windbreaker.
• Is there coffee around? I’m afraid of falling asleep with [redacted] next to me.
• My brother was 6 before he sorted it out.
• I prefer a full head of teeth.
• I can’t eat Lobster. I once bonded with one.
• I don’t know anyone who dresses like that who wasn’t disappointing in the end.
• A man in possession of a single patty, must be in want of two more patties.